Helpless

Helpless

It is how I felt as I watched the nurses roll my wife into emergency surgery while I held my newborn daughter

Helpless

Is how I felt sitting at the picnic table at the state park when the paramedics took over caring for my friend after the accident

Helpless

Nobody likes the feeling of being helpless,

In the prideful self-centered aspect it forces me to admit I have limits and not self-sustaining

Yet

It takes a different road when you are helpless to save or protect one that you love.

 

Helplessness feels a lot like emptiness

You keep searching/praying that there is something you missed or over looked

Yet you come up empty handed

It feels like you are trying to keep water in your hand

Yet the harder you grasp the quicker it leaves

 

I have relived those moments many times the past few months

Enduring two traumas in seven months is overwhelming

One of the things it does do, is give you space to think

C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed, states that

Whereas before loss you were amazingly busy,

After, you find yourself surrounded by time

 

During this time I reflect

Reflection is different than obsession

Reflection is to look upon things how they were

Obsession is to add new information into the past,

And to play the “what if” game…

Nobody ever wins that game

 

In reflecting on those moments of helplessness there was a constant thread

It played in my mind as I looked down at my newborn daughter through tear filled eyes

It stood beside me as I grieved for my friend

It was the thread of hope

Not a feeble hope

Like “I hope you have a nice day”

But a bulwark of hope

A future certainty that all will be made right

My reasoning and emotions often battle with this hope

Much like a victim at times battles with the protector confusing them for the predator

Yet hope doesn’t leave

Hope was there.

Is here.

Will be here.

I grieve, I rejoice, I mourn, I hope

All at the same time

If left to myself, I am not only helpless but also hopeless

Yet with Jesus in my life,

When I am helpless

He is there

I do not understand His ways

At times I lash out at Him mistaking Him for the attacker

Yet Jesus is there

He doesn’t leave

Jesus was there, in the hospital

Jesus was there, in the state park

Jesus is here, with me now

Jesus will be there, as I walk this road He has put before me

 

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